Self representation in the courts

My ex is "Alan".
now aged 42.

Our daughter, "Emily", born in 1999 with
velocardiofacial syndrome, i.e. physical and
intellectual developmental delays, speech problems (2
ops so far), hole in the heart (repaired), hearing
loss and a few other issues.

The background: Alan and I lived together in London
for a year. We were never married. He has dual
US/British nationality and after we split he chose to
go back to the US because that's where the well-paid
jobs are in his field.

Our history since the split wasn't good. He asked me
to have an abortion, then wanted the baby adopted,
then wanted her handed over to him at birth to bring
up alone. I had a nervous breakdown from stress at
eight months pregnant and spent three weeks in a
psychiatric clinic, just making it out in time for the
birth - luckily I've made a good recovery and am now
only slightly bonkers.

When Emily was six months old Alan applied for contact
and PR orders, although I'd continually offered him
contact which he'd refused. His application stated I
might "deny paternity" - unlikely as I was then suing
him for child support in the US!

Eventually, after interviews and a Cafcass report, we
negotiated a Consent Order through his solicitor. I
had a lawyer briefly but it cost too much to carry on.
Alan finally saw his daughter for the first time on
her second birthday. Since then he has visited three
to four times a year for a week at a time, i.e. his
maximum annual leave allowance. I've avoided him as
much as I could and got someone else to do the
handovers where possible, just to avoid "scenes".

I had intended all along to return to Australia with
my sons and their father, my ex-husband; we lived
there for five years and both boys were born there. We
came over in 1990 intending to stay five years but
split up in the meantime and got "stuck" because of
the boys' education. They were 11 and 13 when their
half-sister was born.

Last June my younger son left school and my older boy
was already working in Sydney (he's now been settled
there for almost 2 years). The time was ripe to ask
Emily's dad's consent to the move, bearing in mind
that as he lived on a third continent, all he could
realistically do was make things difficult for me. He
did. He raised every objection he and his lawyer could
think of and demanded dozens of conditions, some very
petty and insulting ("you must make sure Emily has a
large, safe garden to play in"). We negotiated
backwards and forwards for months, partly through his
£300-an-hour lawyer, partly alone; eventually I gave
him a deadline after which I would go to court. But he
carried on demanding things he knew I wouldn't agree
to, possibly hoping I'd give up.

Finally, having consulted a solicitor on an hourly
basis (about 3 hours total), I visited the Principal
Registry of the Family Division in Holborn, where our
Consent Order had been lodged, to issue a Form C2
asking for variation of the consent order and leave to
remove my daughter from the jurisdiction of England
and Wales.

The initial (conciliation) hearing was in March. I had
my close friend, who is my daughter's godmother, with
me as a McKenzie Friend (see the FNF website for
explanation of what this is) As FNF advises, I'd
written to the Clerk of the Court a few weeks early
letting them know I would have a MK with me, as it has
been known for judges to refuse to allow them in the
family court, although they shouldn't. The FNF website
also provides a letter proforma for this.

The Principal Registry, although technically part of
the Royal Courts of Justice in the Strand, is a
separate, modern office block in High Holborn. We
checked the website early that morning to see which
judge would be hearing the case and which court it
would be in, then met in the waiting room. First, you
check in with the receptionist on your floor and tell
them you have no legal representation (just so they
know not to wait for a lawyer); there were a couple of
waiting rooms and I could see Alan in one of them, so
my friend and I went into the other one. The clerk of
the court came to call us at exactly the time we were
meant to go in, although I have heard that there can
be very long delays. At that point I realised that
Alan didn't have a solicitor or anyone else with him.

The courtroom was large and well-lit with rows of
benches and a raised dais at the front, where the
(female) Deputy District Judge was already sitting
with a female welfare worker to one side; the clerk
sat down on the judge's other side and started typing
on his computer. We filed into the front row, with me
in the middle, and the judge welcomed us, established
which was me, and asked who my friend was. I
introduced her and asked if it was all right for her
to be there. The judge asked her how she saw her role
and my friend said - to listen, make notes and advise
me quietly, but not to address the court - exactly
what an MK's role should be.

With Alan being American, he'd clearly never heard of
Mks and the judge outlined to him what it is and asked
if he had any objection. He asked if it was normal and
she said yes. He shrugged his shoulders, upon which
the judge asked my friend if she agreed to keep
everything she heard in court confidential. My friend
said yes.

For the record, the judge was "firm but fair" and
seemed to me to be totally impartial. She was
obviously Jewish and although I'm C of E, Alan is
Jewish and one of our differences was about religion,
she didn't appear to favour him on this at all; and
although she was female she didn't appear to be on my
side in any way.

The welfare officer was very supportive to us all,
constantly making eye-contact and smiling. The judge
went through our differences and noted that they were
actually quite small, although they had beforehand
seemed massive to us; in essentials, she stressed, we
were actually not that far apart. She said she
believed we could come to an agreement that day
without having to proceed to a full trial or expensive
mediation, and she said she intended to send us out to
have a discussion in the waiting area, then call us
back at the end of her listings.

That's what happened. Alan and I had a three-way
discussion with my friend, who ended up doing a
fantastic job as go-between, criticising me when she
thought I was being unreasonable and doing the same
thing to him; and when the judge called us all back,
we had reached an agreement. The judge then wrote down
everything we had agreed, gave me leave to remove my
daughter and wished us both well.

What's more, since then Alan and I have been swapping
constructive and even friendly emails, which would
have been unthinkable before the court case. I know
this won't be the same for everyone but I just wanted
to stress that you can do it all without a lawyer and,
in fact, it can be a much more satisfying experience,
apart from the piles of money you're saving, because
you get to advocate for yourself and after all, it's
only you that knows exactly how you are feeling and
what you want.

Hints and tips for representing yourself:

There isn't much space on the application form C1 or
C2 to explain the circumstances, but if you want, you
can put in a separate statement expanding on why
you're making the application and hand it in with the
form.

Make sure you serve the documents on the other side in
good time, and with everything included. Do it
properly in other words, don't risk getting it wrong.

Don't forget to take lots of photocopies of the
completed forms for yourself, although the court
should give you copies when you lodge the form. They
did with me but apparently they don't always.

If your ex has a lawyer, check with them first if they
will accept service on their client's behalf. If they
do and you're going to the lawyer's office for
service, get the lawyer or receptionist to initial one
of your copies.

You are allowed to serve by first class post but do
leave plenty of time to allow for postal delays. Phone
after 2 days to check the lawyer has received it for
your own peace of mind.

Rehearse out loud what you're going to tell the court
to support your application. Go through this with a
friend if you like. Make notes to refer to, but don't
actually write a script as it will make a better
impression if you speak directly to the judge.

Practise breathing exercises beforehand. Ten deep
breaths - inhale through your nose and exhale through
your mouth (not too audibly!).

Buy a new box file (WH Smith or Rymans) to take all
your documents. If in doubt, take absolutely
everything with you, but make sure it is in either
date order, or in order of importance. You don't want
to be holding things up by faffing through papers
trying to find something.

If you like, stick a picture of your child inside the
cover of the file, just to focus you and remind you
why you're there.

Speak clearly and make eye contact with the judge all
the time you're speaking. Be very aware of your body
language towards your ex - it can say more about your
attitude than your words do.

Don't allow the ex or their lawyer to wind you up.
Don't raise your voice. Stay cool, stay dignified.
Don't say "That's a *&$£ing lie", say "That really
isn't the case."